I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
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If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.