the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
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Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I finally found a reason to live again.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
The 4 stages of a family vacation