Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
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I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
the short answer to this question
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.