[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
You Might Also Like
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.