says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
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I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
he was correct
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…