Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
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How I like cutting carbs
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised