No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
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Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me: