[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
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[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
#DesignFail
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I am a gravy boat captain
I wanna be friends with this person
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*