My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
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Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Happy Febuary everyone!
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on