Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
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“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?