Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
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My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Haha! 😂
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
New mindset, who dis?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.