son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
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if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Dolls on drugs
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.