Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
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Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Okey dokey.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
that’s really how it is
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.