[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I hope they boil the right one.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!