The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
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IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.