A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
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Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
The police never think its as funny as you do.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.