Twitter dot com. *sigh*
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I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Good morning
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Passed by a old school Math example today.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know