Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Saw online –
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
if I can survive this, I can survive anything