my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
“I wouldn’t.”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet