Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
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I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks