Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
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DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
that’s really how it is
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.