I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
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Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Meat Cute
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs