10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
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Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Well, this explains it:
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.