Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
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Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
live long and prosper!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.