Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
#Caturday
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row