She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
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My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
every college guy’s fridge
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.