The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
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i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
the three branches of government
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.