I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
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Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet