*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
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To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
me irl
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist