Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
You Might Also Like
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel