AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
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Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”