if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
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why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…