Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
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Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Not today. 😅
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.