Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
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I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
*orders delivery*
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
that colleague who touches your screen
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!