I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
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Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Planet of the Apps.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—