*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
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Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone