The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
You Might Also Like
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
this is funnier than any friends episode
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.