ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
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When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I laughed at this way too hard.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”