Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
You Might Also Like
“Great, now I have to pee.”
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.