PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
just pretend nothing happened
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes