You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
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I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.