DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face