A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
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Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
The dark side of Canada
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Just why bro?!
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.