“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
just having fun
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..