My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
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People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.