“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Banking tips
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?