A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
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911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.