If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
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Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win