This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?