If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
You Might Also Like
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Breaking news:
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“That’s what” – She
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.